2021’s Most Eligible Mythical Beasts if You’re Fed up with Dating Humans
Dating humans is rough. Dating humans in a pandemic is even worse. If you’re anything like me, you’d sooner attend a 6 am slack meeting with the whole office after a Wednesday-night living room bender than play another game of virtual 20 questions with a stranger off Tinder. Still, one might find themself choosing to endure all kinds of shitty virtual meetups because, well, there aren’t many safe alternatives these days. That’s why I have compiled this list of super eligible, COVID-19-proof mythical beasts if you’re totally over dating humans, but also don’t want to make any of them sick.
- The Squonk
Hometown: Hemlock forest of Northern PA
About: If you find toxic masculinity a total turnoff, the squonk might be a suitable mate for you. This guy is not a fighter; actually, he won’t put up a fight at all. The squonk will quite literally dissolve itself into a puddle of tears if it so much as catches a glimpse of its own reflection. That’s good news for those who find it sexy when a critter is super in tune with their emotions. The squonk made his fortune through his semi-autobiographical work On the Toadstool where he recounts a summer after college spent schlepping across the Allegheny national forest, tripping on mushrooms and whining about his warty skin condition to any Doe who would listen. If a weepy, ill-shapen creature using you as a therapist sounds like a fun time, the Squonk might be for you.
2. Wood Devil
Hometown: forests of New Hampshire
About: He’s 7 ft tall, if that sort of thing matters to you. When not on the trading floor, find the Wood Devil on a trail, climbing a large rock, or snorting a line of tree bark off the back of an REI toilet. The Wood Devil relishes the outdoors after those long commutes. If you love going on awesome and spontaneous weekend adventures that consist of taking long walks in the woods and having sex in a sleeping bag, the Wood Devil Might be your guy. The Wood Devil is looking for his ultimate adventure buddy, the kind of gal who can pick out the best backsplash and walk-in shower tile for the school bus he is converting into a luxury RV.
3. Loveland Frog
Hometown: on the side of the road in Loveland, Ohio.
Profession: Jazz Musician and Composer
About: Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking. Ohio sucks. But the Loveland frog seriously knows how to plan a good date. This bipedal Frog Man prefers a single malt at a piano bar to tacos and margs any day of the week. He is perhaps best known for his famous concert, Live from Little Miami River, and for popularizing a new genre of music that blends classical jazz with synthesized pond sounds. If your idea of a good time is sitting back and listening to a Frog-Human hybrid over-explain the intricacies of jazz music, you and the Loveland Frog might have a future populating a watershed with humanoid pollywogs.
4. Baba Yaga
Hometown: Much of Eastern Europe
Profession: Entrepreneur/Lifestyle Influencer
About: If you fancy yourself the kind who enjoys cooking on a first date, Baba Yaga is an excellent match for you —just be ready to work for that meal. Grinding the bones of small children is no simple pasta dish (if it isn’t obvious by now, Baba is not vegetarian or vegan friendly). Baba is well known for launching a wildly popular line of cookbooks, Skinny Witch, marketed to the kitchen witch who dares to have it all. She won’t need you to take care of her, or even plan the first date. If you’re intimidated by the thought of Baba picking you up in her luxury flying mortar and pestle and taking you to her 8,000 sq ft condo perched on four gold-embossed chicken legs, keep it moving.
Hometown: Chesapeake Bay
Profession: Environmental Activism
About: Chessie is best known today for her environmental activism and successful line of children’s books. Chessie owes her status and fortune to being a direct descendant of Scottish royalty. You might be familiar with her great grandmother, Loch Ness or “Nessie.” Chessie’s story isn’t all sunshine and mermaids, though. Once branded as Maryland’s original party girl, it wasn’t uncommon to see tabloid photos of Chessie at Maryland shipyards, clearly inebriated. It wasn’t until starring in reality tv show, The Tank Life — where Chessie and best friend/fellow heiress, Rusalka, slog it out on commercial fish farms — that Chessie started to get her act together. If you consider yourself an environmentalist who doesn’t mind having the occasional grainy photo of yourself taken and widely distributed, Chessie might be a good match for you.
Hometown: Pacific Northwest
About: I know what you’re thinking: “Wasn’t Squatch spotted with Taylor swift recently?” Yes. The two actually dated for much of 2020. But the pair recently split for good — and I seriously can’t wait for that breakup anthem that I’m hoping she calls “Dear Squatch.” That means the very tall, hairy, and rich Sasquatch is back on the market. That’s right, rich. Many know Squatch as a lovable prankster, routinely spotted naked and barrelling around the Hoh rainforest and for doing those Beef Jerky commercials. But what many don’t know is that Squatch created the wildly successful dating app, Okay Cryptid. If you don’t believe this app is real, then don’t waste Squatch’s time. His biggest hangup with dating is that many women don’t believe he actually exists. He took it upon himself to create an app for Cryptids and dedicated Cryptozoologists to find love. Okay Cryptid is even responsible for bringing together ManBearPig and Bear Lake Monster, who are currently planning summer nupitals in the Colorado Rockies.
Whether you’re sick of entertaining a finicky human or just don’t want to get one gravely ill, there is likely a healthy, romantic alternative. And the good news is that most of these critters roam around forests and swamplands without a reliable wifi connection so you’ll have to meet in person. You’ll also be pretty disincentivized to play games or ghost one of the beasts because if you do, they’ll eat you. What a treat!