2021’s Most Eligible Mythical Beasts if You’re Fed up with Dating Humans

Dating humans is rough. Dating humans in a pandemic is even worse. If you’re anything like me, you’d sooner attend a 6 am slack meeting with the whole office after a Wednesday-night living room bender than play another game of virtual 20 questions with a stranger off Tinder. Still, one might find themself choosing to endure all kinds of shitty virtual meetups because, well, there aren’t many safe alternatives these days. That’s why I have compiled this list of super eligible, COVID-19-proof mythical beasts if you’re totally over dating humans, but also don’t want to make any of them sick.

1. The Squonk

Hometown: Hemlock forest of Northern PA

Profession: Novelist

About: If you find toxic masculinity a total turnoff, the squonk might be a suitable mate for you. This guy is not a fighter; actually, he won’t put up a fight at all. The squonk will quite literally dissolve itself into a puddle of tears if it so much as catches a glimpse of its own reflection. That’s good news for those who find it sexy when a critter is super in tune with their emotions. The squonk made his fortune through his semi-autobiographical work On the Toadstool where he recounts a summer after college spent schlepping across the Allegheny national forest, tripping on mushrooms and whining about his warty skin condition to any Doe who would listen. If a weepy, ill-shapen creature using you as a therapist sounds like a fun time, the Squonk might be…